Cai

Hey LJ, long time, no non-fic posts! I've been RPing with a bunch of DA peeps (looking at you, iapetusneume, cherith, and firstblush)! It's been wonderful, if at times a bit nervewracking as I get used to playing with more than one person. :)

Meanwhile, in Wyoming-land, I've mostly just been doing library work. Today, though, David and I went out with two people he works with to volunteer at a farm. Did a lot of weeding work, and came away with full belly, a box of fresh produce, and an amazing hummus recipe! Then we came home and I went out bike riding.

For anybody who doesn't know, I'm one of those people who can forget how to ride a bike. I was taught at least three times in elementary school. Every time I started over from almost scratch. The last few times David has tried to teach me have ended poorly. I panic and crash or tense up so much that it's painful to ride for more than five or ten minutes.

Today? We were out for over half an hour. I skidded out and banged up my elbow once, but I got up, dusted myself off, whined for maybe thirty seconds, and got right back on. I'm really proud of myself! I still have trouble stopping/dismounting with any grace and sometimes nearly tip when I try, and I'm nervous about dealing with other people on the road, but I think I made real progress.

We also picked up a fifteen-pound pork belly so we can try making our own bacon. :)

All in all, a pretty good day!

I have fully intended since waking up this morning at 10 AM that today I Will Write.

What am I doing right now?

... discussing how to dress game animals in the field and making plans to do just that this summer with the boy.

What did I do earlier?

... discuss goat breeds and plans for dairying and meat goats with the boy.

So, ah.

Writing.

About that.

--

Sometime before the end of the week, but after Wednesday morning, I'll be doing a picture post about the last week of classes. Highlights include:

Lamb roast!
Gamelan concert!
Ballista testing day!
Pictures of me and the delightful Prof S with a toy whale!

For the longest time, I worried about and doubted if David's mother actually liked me. I mean, I'm her only son's first girlfriend, and we're rather serious. I can be awkward at times, and I have anxiety issues that have blown up while I've been around his family, though I've done my best to manage it. Plus, I always have that lingering fear that I'm just not a good, likeable human being.

I think that doubt is completely gone now, though.

I'm living with them this summer, and as such, his mother's been helping with the job search. Originally, she was just lining up a job for me at the library that she works at. There's a lot of arch work going on in Wyoming, though - mostly private firm/government contract stuff, in place of academic research projects, but it's there. Just a little harder to get into.

When I sent her my resume for the library job, I also sent an arch resume on the off chance we could find somewhere to send it to.

She has since emailed me with two potential jobs, one of which (a part time job that would mesh with the part time at the library) looks really promising, doesn't require that I drive (since I'll be learning while there), etc. If I get either of the jobs, I'll be getting a TON of experience I had thought I wouldn't, since I didn't have the funds to go to a field school this summer.

I just- I'm so thankful and feel so loved. My own parents have never helped with me finding a job or anything else. Hell, they weren't even willing to help me learn how to drive. Or cook meals (... yeah, I don't know, either). I can't wait to be out there this summer. :)

(Also, just over two weeks until Ireland! HOW AWESOME IS THAT.)

Okay, actual update time!

Tonight is the annual semi-formal dance, which is never particularly fun but is definitely fun to get dressed up for. (Really, it's about like prom, but with less food - dance room, movie room, fake-gambling room.) I hadn't planned on going, though, since the boy isn't here. I didn't bring any of my nice dresses, and so when my roommate suggested that I at least go to one of the before or after parties (because, as I'll get too later, I'm the loneliest I've ever been, in a lot of ways), I had to figure something out based on what was in my closet.

I've settled on black dress pants, my green overbust corset (that I wore for Poison Ivy), and a black cardigan shruggy thing that the roomie is lending me. :) Should look pretty fine, especially with epic gold and green make-up!

I'm just hoping I'll actually, you know. Get to go somewhere. .-.

I feel like a lot of people I know are just annoyed that I feel lonely without David - that it's my fault, because I should've kept a large, active social circle while dating him, and that since I didn't, I sort of deserve to be flailing around and sitting in my room for hours on end with nothing to do? Certainly, not many people are reaching out to spend time with me, even when I explicitly ask. :x And maybe they're right. But one of my profs put it about right when they asked how I was adjusting from 'married' life. David and I really are just about so wrapped up in each other, including and especially in little day-to-day life things, like having meals, going to the bank, running errands for each other, etc, that it's REALLY weird to be alone. I'm doing just fine - I'm still eating, things are getting done - but it feels very, very lonely. And hell, he's my best friend. So even if I had a social circle, I still wouldn't have somebody around who would actually physically touch me (seriously, I'm starving for physical contact) and listen to my fears and hopes and such.

The weirdest repercussion of all of this is that I'm having more trouble getting my homework done on time without David taking up almost all of my free time. When he's around, I tend to schedule work time when it'll least interfere with potential US time. And I stick to it. And I work hard, and I get everything done, usually ahead of time, always within a small amount of time. Now I just sort of flail about and putz around and procrastinate all the time. Things are still getting done, I'm just not happy with how they're getting done. :(

Despite all this free time, I'm not doing anything with it. I can't write, I can't read, I can barely focus on video games. I just poke at blogs online and wait for a few people to get on so we can talk and/or RP, which seems to be about the only thing I can do or really enjoy right now.

I feel so, so pathetic, but every time I try and just buck up and be better, that... doesn't really work.

I just wish I knew if people were actually willing to talk to me (I feel like I'm intensely annoying to be around and always have been, which is why nobody's even interested in saying hi), and if so, when they ate meals, when I could say hi without seeming desperate.

:/

Emo post is emo. Pathetic Cai is pathetic. Seriously, all this because the boy is in Ireland?

... Yeah, all this.

Oh well, at least my classes rock. And so do my profs.

Best Christmas Present Ever:

I get to go to Ireland to visit David this spring!

My family's chipping in to help pay for it, so I ordered the ticket this morning. :) I'm so excited!


(I also got a few games, some books from the wonderful robinhood, and I'm inheriting my aunt's old iPhone 3G since she got a new one for Christmas. But as wonderful as all of these are, I'M GOING TO IRELAND!)

Updates:

My program is STILL not up and running, and I made the guy promise to get me the newest try at getting it to work by Friday morning. :/ Three weeks and barely anything done. Aaargh. I can't even start scheduling participants.

I've been doing some basic graphic design stuff for the bio department in my off time. They tapped me to do a poster at the end of the semester, and apparently I'm decent enough that they want me to keep putting posters together for them. And they're paying, so! :)

(Also, my weaving teacher is lending me a loom for the summer, so I got that yesterday and already have a project on it and half complete. ... eheheh.

ETA: liu_xing's scarf is off the loom and waiting on finishing! Hope you like peacocks, darling~)

Probably no Vincent costume for Otakon. David thinks he can't do his pieces well enough and that it'd cost too much for a one or two time thing. He's going to try and beef up his steampunk costume instead. I'm sad. :<

I am, though, going to add some bits and bobs to my steampunk loli outfit. I'm going to weave some fabric for a bag and then weave the strap for it on the inkle loom I've also been lent! (The bag fabric will also be used to make a pillow or two, I think.)

I'm about 98% sure I'm switching majors, now. I just have to talk with Prof L about it. Luckily, he's so super supportive about everything that I don't think he'll mind too much, but I'm still super nervous. :x

blah blah FFX blah blah vacation blah blah still lazy.


IN OTHER NEWS it seems that all my distress has turned into eustress, finally, and I'm feeling so much better. Productive and on top of things and David and I are actually enjoying each other's company again.

Let's see, what did I do today?

+ Baked a loaf of bread and delivered it to a very pleased advisor
+ Read a chapter and a half in my psych book
+ Read two and a half studies for psych
+ Wrote a page and a half of my introduction for my research project paper (not due until the end of the semester)
+ Updated all paperwork based on feedback from advisor
+ Finished finding all my measures
+ Did Bio homework
+ Sat out in the sun
+ Took an accidental nap in the library


And now off to call family, then go to a friend's birthday party. :D


(Also, I now have a Vincent and an Alex for future cosplay funsies. David is super-excited about cosplaying as Vincent, and Sarah saw a picture of Alex, watched the first 8 episodes, and is now obsessed.

... but I think she wants to choreograph a dance skit, and I'm not sure she'll wait until we get around to doing Durand, Lia de Beaumont, and d'Eon de Beaumont...)

I'm currently baking more roasted garlic and black peppercorn potato bread. :) I'll try and get pictures (though I'll probably never get around to posting them...)

So I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the mess with Prof P. She refuses to work with or speak to me ever again- which honestly, I don't mind at this point. The only problem is that it might create some awkward moments in the department. Prof L and the department secretary are on my side, and it turns out she's done this sort of thing before. So.

But it's left me with renewed doubts as to what I'm doing. The old "Do I really want to give my life to this?" mess. I really wish I could just stop feeling so trapped.

The argument runs something like this: "This is all so stressful. Grad school will probably be worse. When I finally get a job, I may not have time for hobbies at all - I already have so little extra energy. And what if I change my mind? I don't want to end up wasting my time and money in grad school. But what else do I have? Have I just convinced myself that I want to do this, but only because it's the only option I can think of?"

I had a bit of insight, though, and a bit of easing. David suggested that I look into a job as a test cook for America's Test Kitchen. It'd be perfect. Research, cooking, writing. What if I went to culinary school instead of grad school?

But I don't want to work in the restaurant industry. So that education would leave me with only one option, and what if I didn't get a job there? It's a wonderful dream, but it's rather implausible.

And yet, having that way out- it's making me feel better. I can go, "Oh well- but at least I can go back to research." And it's not making me panic. I might just be exhausted, but hey. Any respite. I'll take it.


I just wish I had a truly clear, powerful idea of what I want to do. Instead I have feelings of what I should do, what I think people are expecting of me, feelings of being torn between interests. Fears of committing.

We read an article yesterday for Logic that resonated- or rather, provoked. It boiled down to making vows (even, or especially, rash ones) is an important behavior- because it means you're okay being who you say you'll be in that future the vow promises. Instead of changing constantly, you lock yourself down. You give up other possibilities, but you know yourself, and you can willfully sell some of your freedom for sweeter things - love, jobs, etc.

I just want to stop being scared.

--

David and I went in for couples' therapy on Thursday. She wants to see him separate of me, now, which- I like. I like that he might tell somebody what he's feeling. He doesn't tell me. I say, "What if we break up?" and he goes "That's up to you." That doesn't seem like the response of somebody in love, but- he is. I just- mm.

--

Anyway, cooking.

Baking.

Loaf needs to be turned soon. Then teaching an earring-making class, then relaxing until the formal tonight.

Tales from the boy:

Me:
I can't wait to have my own kitchen

David:
no shit

David:
i'm gonna get you such good equipment

David:
it's gonna be awesome

Me:
Mmmmm <3 that? is so sexy



GOD I WANT MY OWN KITCHEN SO BADLY :

So David had me try a few lateral thinking problems (that's what kleonix called them, anyway) today. I thought I'd be terrible at them - riddles make me really antsy and I don't do well on them. But I got three of them! Two on the hard end, one on the easy. The hardest one I did in under 20 minutes, the easiest in under 10. The middle one was split over a decent amount of time.

I'm making another batch of the rosemary potato bread, and it smells AMAZING. Had to use dried rosemary though, was out of fresh. Added roasted garlic. Nnngh.

And my loaves look well formed this time!

I'll try to remember pictures this time. :D They get an olive oil and salt glaze, so they look omnomnomnom. Thirty minutes left of the final proof!