(no subject)
Feb. 5th, 2011 10:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serindranaOkay, actual update time!
Tonight is the annual semi-formal dance, which is never particularly fun but is definitely fun to get dressed up for. (Really, it's about like prom, but with less food - dance room, movie room, fake-gambling room.) I hadn't planned on going, though, since the boy isn't here. I didn't bring any of my nice dresses, and so when my roommate suggested that I at least go to one of the before or after parties (because, as I'll get too later, I'm the loneliest I've ever been, in a lot of ways), I had to figure something out based on what was in my closet.
I've settled on black dress pants, my green overbust corset (that I wore for Poison Ivy), and a black cardigan shruggy thing that the roomie is lending me. :) Should look pretty fine, especially with epic gold and green make-up!
I'm just hoping I'll actually, you know. Get to go somewhere. .-.
I feel like a lot of people I know are just annoyed that I feel lonely without David - that it's my fault, because I should've kept a large, active social circle while dating him, and that since I didn't, I sort of deserve to be flailing around and sitting in my room for hours on end with nothing to do? Certainly, not many people are reaching out to spend time with me, even when I explicitly ask. :x And maybe they're right. But one of my profs put it about right when they asked how I was adjusting from 'married' life. David and I really are just about so wrapped up in each other, including and especially in little day-to-day life things, like having meals, going to the bank, running errands for each other, etc, that it's REALLY weird to be alone. I'm doing just fine - I'm still eating, things are getting done - but it feels very, very lonely. And hell, he's my best friend. So even if I had a social circle, I still wouldn't have somebody around who would actually physically touch me (seriously, I'm starving for physical contact) and listen to my fears and hopes and such.
The weirdest repercussion of all of this is that I'm having more trouble getting my homework done on time without David taking up almost all of my free time. When he's around, I tend to schedule work time when it'll least interfere with potential US time. And I stick to it. And I work hard, and I get everything done, usually ahead of time, always within a small amount of time. Now I just sort of flail about and putz around and procrastinate all the time. Things are still getting done, I'm just not happy with how they're getting done. :(
Despite all this free time, I'm not doing anything with it. I can't write, I can't read, I can barely focus on video games. I just poke at blogs online and wait for a few people to get on so we can talk and/or RP, which seems to be about the only thing I can do or really enjoy right now.
I feel so, so pathetic, but every time I try and just buck up and be better, that... doesn't really work.
I just wish I knew if people were actually willing to talk to me (I feel like I'm intensely annoying to be around and always have been, which is why nobody's even interested in saying hi), and if so, when they ate meals, when I could say hi without seeming desperate.
:/
Emo post is emo. Pathetic Cai is pathetic. Seriously, all this because the boy is in Ireland?
... Yeah, all this.
Oh well, at least my classes rock. And so do my profs.
Tonight is the annual semi-formal dance, which is never particularly fun but is definitely fun to get dressed up for. (Really, it's about like prom, but with less food - dance room, movie room, fake-gambling room.) I hadn't planned on going, though, since the boy isn't here. I didn't bring any of my nice dresses, and so when my roommate suggested that I at least go to one of the before or after parties (because, as I'll get too later, I'm the loneliest I've ever been, in a lot of ways), I had to figure something out based on what was in my closet.
I've settled on black dress pants, my green overbust corset (that I wore for Poison Ivy), and a black cardigan shruggy thing that the roomie is lending me. :) Should look pretty fine, especially with epic gold and green make-up!
I'm just hoping I'll actually, you know. Get to go somewhere. .-.
I feel like a lot of people I know are just annoyed that I feel lonely without David - that it's my fault, because I should've kept a large, active social circle while dating him, and that since I didn't, I sort of deserve to be flailing around and sitting in my room for hours on end with nothing to do? Certainly, not many people are reaching out to spend time with me, even when I explicitly ask. :x And maybe they're right. But one of my profs put it about right when they asked how I was adjusting from 'married' life. David and I really are just about so wrapped up in each other, including and especially in little day-to-day life things, like having meals, going to the bank, running errands for each other, etc, that it's REALLY weird to be alone. I'm doing just fine - I'm still eating, things are getting done - but it feels very, very lonely. And hell, he's my best friend. So even if I had a social circle, I still wouldn't have somebody around who would actually physically touch me (seriously, I'm starving for physical contact) and listen to my fears and hopes and such.
The weirdest repercussion of all of this is that I'm having more trouble getting my homework done on time without David taking up almost all of my free time. When he's around, I tend to schedule work time when it'll least interfere with potential US time. And I stick to it. And I work hard, and I get everything done, usually ahead of time, always within a small amount of time. Now I just sort of flail about and putz around and procrastinate all the time. Things are still getting done, I'm just not happy with how they're getting done. :(
Despite all this free time, I'm not doing anything with it. I can't write, I can't read, I can barely focus on video games. I just poke at blogs online and wait for a few people to get on so we can talk and/or RP, which seems to be about the only thing I can do or really enjoy right now.
I feel so, so pathetic, but every time I try and just buck up and be better, that... doesn't really work.
I just wish I knew if people were actually willing to talk to me (I feel like I'm intensely annoying to be around and always have been, which is why nobody's even interested in saying hi), and if so, when they ate meals, when I could say hi without seeming desperate.
:/
Emo post is emo. Pathetic Cai is pathetic. Seriously, all this because the boy is in Ireland?
... Yeah, all this.
Oh well, at least my classes rock. And so do my profs.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 08:30 pm (UTC)*cuddles*
no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 09:27 pm (UTC)Does your school have a counseling center? If so, see if you can make an appointment to speak with someone. Having someone who is there to listen, and whom you don't have to worry about appearing 'emo' can be incredibly cathartic! They may also be able to direct you to some social networking or groups that you could attend to help expand your social life - 'cause it sounds like your current circle of friends are less than fantastic for support /:
I just recently went through a very turbulent and painful time in my life, and I'm still struggling with the fall-out. I did the counseling thing at school and attended a couple of their "groups" and a couple "workshops" and it helped IMMENSELY! It connected me with other people who were feeling a little needy and out-of-sorts, and who could empathize and sympathize with how I was feeling. These were other people who were looking to get together with someone for a cup of coffee, too!
Anyway...hope this helps. Just remember that 'this too, shall pass.' He'll be home, and you'll be together again, and you're absolutely blessed to have such a love with and for someone that you pine away at his absence (:
**Hugs**
Natasha
no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 09:32 pm (UTC)I have a counselor on campus I've worked with before, so I'll probably send her an email and see if she has any space in her schedule. She also knows the boyfriend - we did a couple joint sessions when we were having a really rocky time of things.
Thank you so much for your input. ♥ :) One of my support areas recently has been the people I've met through posting fic and such, and it's been a really great help.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-06 05:55 am (UTC)I know how you feel. It hurts. It hurts a lot. But he's coming back! Just focus on that.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-07 12:40 am (UTC)Anyways, I know how it is to be in a small social circle, or in a social circle that mostly revolves around your significant other, but I promise there are plenty of other people out there who like being around you and would love to be closer friends!