(no subject)

[serindrana]

I'm currently baking more roasted garlic and black peppercorn potato bread. :) I'll try and get pictures (though I'll probably never get around to posting them...)

So I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the mess with Prof P. She refuses to work with or speak to me ever again- which honestly, I don't mind at this point. The only problem is that it might create some awkward moments in the department. Prof L and the department secretary are on my side, and it turns out she's done this sort of thing before. So.

But it's left me with renewed doubts as to what I'm doing. The old "Do I really want to give my life to this?" mess. I really wish I could just stop feeling so trapped.

The argument runs something like this: "This is all so stressful. Grad school will probably be worse. When I finally get a job, I may not have time for hobbies at all - I already have so little extra energy. And what if I change my mind? I don't want to end up wasting my time and money in grad school. But what else do I have? Have I just convinced myself that I want to do this, but only because it's the only option I can think of?"

I had a bit of insight, though, and a bit of easing. David suggested that I look into a job as a test cook for America's Test Kitchen. It'd be perfect. Research, cooking, writing. What if I went to culinary school instead of grad school?

But I don't want to work in the restaurant industry. So that education would leave me with only one option, and what if I didn't get a job there? It's a wonderful dream, but it's rather implausible.

And yet, having that way out- it's making me feel better. I can go, "Oh well- but at least I can go back to research." And it's not making me panic. I might just be exhausted, but hey. Any respite. I'll take it.


I just wish I had a truly clear, powerful idea of what I want to do. Instead I have feelings of what I should do, what I think people are expecting of me, feelings of being torn between interests. Fears of committing.

We read an article yesterday for Logic that resonated- or rather, provoked. It boiled down to making vows (even, or especially, rash ones) is an important behavior- because it means you're okay being who you say you'll be in that future the vow promises. Instead of changing constantly, you lock yourself down. You give up other possibilities, but you know yourself, and you can willfully sell some of your freedom for sweeter things - love, jobs, etc.

I just want to stop being scared.

--

David and I went in for couples' therapy on Thursday. She wants to see him separate of me, now, which- I like. I like that he might tell somebody what he's feeling. He doesn't tell me. I say, "What if we break up?" and he goes "That's up to you." That doesn't seem like the response of somebody in love, but- he is. I just- mm.

--

Anyway, cooking.

Baking.

Loaf needs to be turned soon. Then teaching an earring-making class, then relaxing until the formal tonight.

Comments

[envirion.livejournal.com]

Maybe you can talk to misadesu? She's studying some sort of foody sciencey thing and interned for Campbell soup a few months ago. Not research, but it might help? :3 (She's more accessible on twitter (http://twitter.com/misadesu) if you've got one of those.)

[epiic.livejournal.com]

> "What if we break up?"
That's not really a fair question imo. It sounds like one of those things where any answer will inevitably be the wrong answer. The response makes you look cold or a stalker.

A girl would need to be incredibly importantly to me to not break up with her on the spot for pulling one of those screwed-either-way questions. So, to me, that response sounds like you're doing ok.

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

What I was looking for was more, Would you be sad? Because I honestly can't read him.

So it bothered me that he didn't seem uncomfortable at all, in any way.