(no subject)

[serindrana]

Long rambly post time. Not terribly happy.


So I went to a talk on campus this past Wednesday, given by Courtney Martin, author of Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. The talk was mainly about the pressures women are under these days. I think the quote used to advertise the talk was:

Our mothers told us we could be anything. We heard we had to be everything.

The focus was obviously on how that can lead to eating disorders (the main point of the book as well), but it also touched on anxiety problems divorced from eating disorders. It was a very well-given talk (and I nearly jumped for joy when she addressed that these problems were not just white middle-class problems, no matter how the media portrays them. These affect, in some ways, every woman in this culture. For every white girl starving themselves to be thin, there are latina women forcing themselves to work out obsessively to get the ass that they are 'supposed' to have, etc.), and a lot of the ideas resonated.

After the talk, I went up to chat with her, thank her for coming, and mention that I came because of anxiety reasons and found the talk just as helpful. It turns out her personal experience with this topic are from the anxiety side, not the eating disorder side, so we bonded a bit over that.

Thursday at therapy, I brought up the talk with my therapist, and she agreed with me that I had some of those same distorted thoughts - that I had to be perfect, that I was never good enough - and that I took it out on myself just as badly. Not with food - my relationship with food is strange, but it's not a punishment - but with how I think about myself and value myself.


I was supposed to come up with ten affirmations about myself.

I came up with five, and that was only with extensive help from David and Sarah. I can't think of anything else that's good about me as a person.

I never knew that was weird.


Weaving's been helping me relax a little bit, though I still feel dead to the world half the time and too aware the rest of it. I feel constantly like I'm overwhelmed with work and yet being too lazy. I'm tired.

I finished shinra_inc's scarf - the weaving part, at least. I'm knotting it and washing it Tuesday night, and will hopefully be starting robinhood's that night, too.

I started reading weaving blogs. I especially love this blog. The man dyes, spins, and weaves his own yarn. The pieces he's made are gorgeous. I can't wait to try some of his tips out.


I went to the dentist yesterday morning. Hour long exam, 30 x-rays, 7 cavities found. And the nerve in one of my already-filled teeth might be going, which means possible root canal. At least nothing needs to be pulled.

I fucking hate this. I hate what I've done to myself. When I was younger, I never got in the habit of brushing my teeth daily, and my parents never forced me. I'd go weeks without brushing. I had cavities constantly, but I never stuck to brushing them. I just got yelled at about them. And then I had braces, and because they misjudged when my lower braces could go on, I had upper braces for five years. Even if I had had the best oral hygiene habits in the world, that would have fucked me over. And of course it did. I had cavities on my front teeth. One didn't even get filled until three fucking years later, this fall, when I made the apointment myself because my parents kept putting it off. It's okay now. And now I'm finally brushing every single day, about to start pushing for twice, with mouthwash and floss.

But this never, ever should have happened.

I feel disgusting and worthless because I can't even take care of my teeth. Nearly every single one of my teeth will have a filling. They're yellowed and because of the fillings, I can never bleach them. They're still misaligned because I didn't wear my retainer enough on the bottom. I get canker sores. I have fucking open sores in my mouth at least once a month no matter what I do.

And I'm just so sick and tired for being berated by outside sources about it. By dentists and family and even just reading non-directed mockery of people who can't take care of their teeth. I hate myself enough for it already. It's not like I don't care.


It's shit like this that makes me feel like I shouldn't be happy. That I am a fundamentally flawed person. That I am unreliable, rotting from the inside.

Comments

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're not a horrible. I don't know you that well, but I promise you are not a fundamentally flawed person. (I know it's hard to believe that, especially when people you don't know tell you, but I'm gonna say it anyways.)

I've been struggling with the whole 'living up to expectations - even when only my expectations are that high' thing too. I have hard time believing I'm good enough - especially because when I do think I'm good at something, it's perceived as arrogance. Yay, double standards.

I'm glad you're having fun with weaving. Having something that you can focus on that's artistic is really helpful, I've found.

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

God yeah on that second point. That's one of the things I brought up when I talked to Martin. On the one hand, if you're talented, you HAVE to do EVERYTHING that you're talented in. And you MUST accept compliments. But if you dare show somebody something because you're proud of it- well, then, you're just arrogant.

One of my big(ger) fears is being seen as arrogant, when really all I want is for somebody to go, "No, you really are doing well." Because I also get the "Well you've always done well, so doing well is nothing to congratulate you on", especially from my family. Of course I'm going to do well in a class, so getting a 100% on that tough quiz means nothing.

/ramble


And I do appreciate it when people tell me that. It runs into the "Well how can THEY know" defense, but... I'm trying to take more notice of it, definitely. Dismissing it isn't going to help. So thank you. :)

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I definitely get that. I don't even tell people my scores when they're really good anymore, because people are always just like "well of course YOU got an A! You're smart!". I'm trying to give up on caring whether people think I'm arrogant. When I pay too much attention to that, I start limiting myself and squashing myself down, and then I just get depressed.

A high school English teacher of mine gave me some of the best advice I've ever received one day - she'd pulled me aside after class because she noticed I wasn't participating as much as normal, and told me that in our society, smart and confident women are seen as threatening - but that's bullshit, and it's good and normal for there to be people of all levels in any group, and by staying quiet I was hurting everyone's opportunities for learning. Then she gave me a hug and offered me tea. I've stayed close with her ever since. :P

/anecdote

You're welcome. ^_^ I'm slowly getting better at believing that I'm not crap too.

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

Being on the internet for so long has made me feel like I must be just attention whoring if I bring up stuff... and that's even worse than being seen as arrogant, in my opinion. So it's like I can't boast, and I can't hope for compliments. ffffff.

I never limit my activities, though, because that'd take effort. I just feel bad afterwards XD; So I keep functioning, which is both frustrating and so relieving at the same time.

(And I love those sorts of professors/teachers. :) I have a few. The guys are interesting, because they can't get tooooo close or OMG HARASSMENT from everybody else is a risk, and they have no idea what to do if they see me crying, but they're still really supportive. Prof L, my advisor right now, bonds with me over anxiety problems and gives me tips XD)

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

I've never felt very comfortable sharing personal stuff online (obviously I'm branching out, lol) so I don't really have that problem. But I sympathize.

I've always been a 'teacher's pet' sort - probably because in grade school, teachers were the only ones I could get intelligent conversation out of, and the habit stuck. Man that sounds arrogant. But that's okay. :P

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

I grew up surrounded by educated adults because of my family and because my mother was sick. I didn't have a lot of friends my age, so I got really used to talking to adults, and adults tend to like me. So I tend to bond really well with my professors and not as well with my peers.

I'm only just now gaining close friends (and obviously a significant other),

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

GAH hit enter by mistake.

Anyway:

I'm only just now gaining close friends (and obviously a significant other), but up until very recently, I relied on internet friends (mostly) to help me through rough spots. So internet approval still matters, at least a little.

[robinhood.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I am too tired right now to get wordy, but I think you are wonderful and lovely fwiw.

And I know what you mean on the teeth thing I am much the same way augh.

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Doing things for other people (like making your scarf ♥ ) does make me feel a bit better, especially when I can honestly make that person happy. :)

[hksherra.livejournal.com]

I've had issues with cavities all my life and I do brush daily... I even floss daily these days. I've been irked at myself for it too... eating too much sugar... not brushing twice daily... but I went to the dentist last week. She told me that I probably just had a genetic condition that gave me more cavities.

I wish someone had told me that earlier.

So... maybe you just have a genetic predisposition towards cavities too. Sure, not brushing enough when you were younger probably had something to do with it then... but sometimes people like us just can't keep our frickin' teeth cavity free, even when we brush as well as the rest of humanity.

[tree00faery.livejournal.com]

This happens to me too! I don't have a huuuge number of cavities, but I do have more than you 'should'. And I brush at least daily, often twice daily! Grr.

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

I do have weak enamel and my dad has a lot of dental problems, too. And at least now I'm forcing myself to be accountable for my oral health. Just brushed, flossed, AND used mouth rinse! So here's hoping new cavities will be fewer in number.

As long as it doesn't remain this bad. (I'm really getting sick of the lingering taste of rotting enamel in my mouth when I wake up.)

[cmongirl.livejournal.com]

I think you're beautiful. I really do. And as someone kindly reminded me once, "I like you the way you are. What do I care how you got that way?"

The people who love you will do so unconditionally. Embrace them. Being loved helps us not to give up on ourselves. And those who don't? They're people whose love you wouldn't want anyway (I can assure you of that).

Hug.

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Sometimes I wished my problems only went so far as body image issues, though I know those are insanely hard to deal with. But feeling so... wrong is just so trying. I look in the mirror and go, "Oh, so that's what the girl who acts like this and feels like this looks like?" Putting a face to it, just my own, is painful sometimes. And knowing that I wouldn't be friends with me if given the chance...

I am doing better, in some ways, now that I have David and Sarah. They're there for me. Sarah is better with unconditionality, because David likes to joke at my expense, but I'm getting him to cut down on it.

But as I have more moments where I like myself and feel loved, it throws the rest of my feelings into sharp relief, you know?

Thank you. ♥

[envirion.livejournal.com]

Weaving blog is cute! *w*

♥ You're so talented and lovely. Don't hate yourself. *hugs*

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

I know, I keep gazing at it. My favorite is his tidepool project.


And I can't wait to room with you guys again at Otakon! *hugs*

[spiralred.livejournal.com]

I think when we feel the least secure about ourselves we try to look at who we are. Sometimes that critical evaluation of ourselves is so tied up in those emotions of helplessness that we can only see what's wrong with ourselves.

Many times I have looked at myself at those low points at tried to compare myself to the people around me, why doesn't anyone else have these problems? What is so fundamentally wrong about me that makes me experience things this way and not the way other people experience them?

But you're not different, you're not flawed. Other people deserve to be happy, and therefore you deserve to be happy. Other people are allowed to have made mistakes, you deserve that same allowance.

Don't treat yourself as less than you would treat any other person. You say that you wouldn't be friends with you if you had the chance, but if you met yourself would you have compassion for that person? Would you want to see her happy and at her best?

I only know you through lj, but I think you're an amazing, talented, beautiful, person. I wish a had a tenth of the power you have to succeed in your studies, you have a right to be proud and even arrogant about all of those successes.

[serindrana.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I can't think of a long reply (I'm actually almost moved to tears, to tell the truth), but I'll carry your words with me.

[epiic.livejournal.com]

I'd say you are flawed. But so is everyone in various different ways. There's no reason to feel ineligible for happiness. Especially if you're working on improving.


The competence vs perceived arrogance is a bothersome matter. The stfu approach seems certainly the simplest solution.
(Although, knowing there are so many people better at any given thing than me, I waiver a lot between feeling competent and hopeless.)

[maggieb.livejournal.com]

don't beat yourself up about your teeth. bad teeth happen even to those who brush religiously. it's ok.