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Sep. 2nd, 2009 09:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serindranaTime for a rather whiplash-y post.
Had a talk with David yesterday that was weepy and frightened and maybe-we-should-break-up-but-I-don't-want-to-but-I-don't-trust-WHY-I-don't-want-to. We didn't break up, but I did get down to what's been bothering me- our spontaneity and spark already seems to have up and left. But after talking and some time to think on both our parts, we both seem to be doing better already. Hopefully it'll last.
Tuesday I talked with Tabitha about the SAD project we had slated. Poster is due in three weeks. I had to do the intro this week before Friday. Cue stressing out (part of the reason I got so upset yesterday with David).
Then, while I'm reading through studies, I find one from 2005 that covers everything we wanted to cover, and MUCH more in depth than what we'd be able to do in three weeks. There have been SOME studies done since, but not many. I called her to tell her, because I feel awkward putting out a rough study that doesn't contribute much of anything, especially into a topic like Seasonal Affective Disorder that already has a shit-ton of shoddy research muddying the waters. She agreed with me, so we're going to talk today (after she reads the article) about if we're going to narrow our focus, somehow shift it in the three weeks we have (doubtful), or just drop doing something for THIS conference and put together a new project.
Somewhere in between working on the paper prep and finding that study, I got the news that my maternal grandmother finally died. She's been bedridden and suffering from dementia (among so many other things) for at least eight years, since my mother died. She's been through two bouts of cancer, two bouts of MRSA... if there's one comforting thing about that, it's that given how long my grandmother lasted in that state and how long my mother lasted in hers (HIV/AIDS for about 11 years, from 1989 to 2000), I'm going to last a hell of a long time if I don't get really sick.
She's been ready to die for at least the last two years. She was agnostic, but even had her "visit from Jesus" telling her she was ready to go- two winters ago. She was beautiful and intelligent (even though she had tons of emotional problems and was a raging alcoholic) and raised four kids (if poorly), and she was reduced to being stuck in a bed, muscles too atrophied to even push herself up back onto her pillows, wearing a diaper and being taken care of by a husband who resented her and barely spoke to her and a daughter who couldn't let her go.
It may seem cold in some ways, but I was actually happy to hear the news. Sadness has barely entered the equation, partially because I never knew her as a healthy person. Before she was bedridden, I barely had contact with her because my mother didn't want me to be around her. She would start drinking at five in the afternoon and wouldn't stop until she passed out. So all I knew of her was the wasted away woman who would have moments of clarity where she would tell me about how she and my grandfather met, how she hated SPSS when she worked at Hopkins, all sorts of little details. And even though I didn't get to say goodbye, I sat with her from time to time this summer, when I could handle it (because it was extremely difficult) and talked to her and held her hand and did not help with medical needs because that wasn't my job. My job was to talk to her and keep her company. And I think she really appreciated that, because nobody else ever did that.
She smiled at me a lot when we talked, and when she would say "You're really smart," I'd respond, "I got it from you."
Because I did.
So here's to you, Judy- you've finally stopped suffering and even though my beliefs (or lack thereof) say your existence has just ended, I think you're better off for it now. Cold hearted bitch I might be, but I like to think realist. Your life was no way to keep living, and it lasted longer than even you wanted. You were ready to go two years ago, and the rest of the world only just caught up.
Love you, grandma.
Had a talk with David yesterday that was weepy and frightened and maybe-we-should-break-up-but-I-don't-want-to-but-I-don't-trust-WHY-I-don't-want-to. We didn't break up, but I did get down to what's been bothering me- our spontaneity and spark already seems to have up and left. But after talking and some time to think on both our parts, we both seem to be doing better already. Hopefully it'll last.
Tuesday I talked with Tabitha about the SAD project we had slated. Poster is due in three weeks. I had to do the intro this week before Friday. Cue stressing out (part of the reason I got so upset yesterday with David).
Then, while I'm reading through studies, I find one from 2005 that covers everything we wanted to cover, and MUCH more in depth than what we'd be able to do in three weeks. There have been SOME studies done since, but not many. I called her to tell her, because I feel awkward putting out a rough study that doesn't contribute much of anything, especially into a topic like Seasonal Affective Disorder that already has a shit-ton of shoddy research muddying the waters. She agreed with me, so we're going to talk today (after she reads the article) about if we're going to narrow our focus, somehow shift it in the three weeks we have (doubtful), or just drop doing something for THIS conference and put together a new project.
Somewhere in between working on the paper prep and finding that study, I got the news that my maternal grandmother finally died. She's been bedridden and suffering from dementia (among so many other things) for at least eight years, since my mother died. She's been through two bouts of cancer, two bouts of MRSA... if there's one comforting thing about that, it's that given how long my grandmother lasted in that state and how long my mother lasted in hers (HIV/AIDS for about 11 years, from 1989 to 2000), I'm going to last a hell of a long time if I don't get really sick.
She's been ready to die for at least the last two years. She was agnostic, but even had her "visit from Jesus" telling her she was ready to go- two winters ago. She was beautiful and intelligent (even though she had tons of emotional problems and was a raging alcoholic) and raised four kids (if poorly), and she was reduced to being stuck in a bed, muscles too atrophied to even push herself up back onto her pillows, wearing a diaper and being taken care of by a husband who resented her and barely spoke to her and a daughter who couldn't let her go.
It may seem cold in some ways, but I was actually happy to hear the news. Sadness has barely entered the equation, partially because I never knew her as a healthy person. Before she was bedridden, I barely had contact with her because my mother didn't want me to be around her. She would start drinking at five in the afternoon and wouldn't stop until she passed out. So all I knew of her was the wasted away woman who would have moments of clarity where she would tell me about how she and my grandfather met, how she hated SPSS when she worked at Hopkins, all sorts of little details. And even though I didn't get to say goodbye, I sat with her from time to time this summer, when I could handle it (because it was extremely difficult) and talked to her and held her hand and did not help with medical needs because that wasn't my job. My job was to talk to her and keep her company. And I think she really appreciated that, because nobody else ever did that.
She smiled at me a lot when we talked, and when she would say "You're really smart," I'd respond, "I got it from you."
Because I did.
So here's to you, Judy- you've finally stopped suffering and even though my beliefs (or lack thereof) say your existence has just ended, I think you're better off for it now. Cold hearted bitch I might be, but I like to think realist. Your life was no way to keep living, and it lasted longer than even you wanted. You were ready to go two years ago, and the rest of the world only just caught up.
Love you, grandma.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 02:09 pm (UTC)And I hope you have, too. /hug
no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 04:51 pm (UTC)And I'm doing better, especially today. Except that now I'm sick as a dog, but whatever. :'D
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 02:30 pm (UTC)She left the world knowing you loved her, and she's no longer suffering. I think that's the best we can hope for and she's achieved it.
Stout hearts.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 04:51 pm (UTC)♥
no subject
Date: 2009-09-03 08:58 pm (UTC)Glad that you and David are getting on well now. It's best to communicate these things in a relationship before things get sour. I'm proud of you for doing that, painful though it may have been. And as far as research goes, I have no idea what most of it means, but I hope it doesn't end up in too much more work for you in these next three weeks. Know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.
See you around, bb <3
no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 04:52 pm (UTC)Completely off-topic, but do you want Lana!Cai at the activities fair? :) It won't be finished, but I can still wear it.
Also, do you like Indian food?
hmmm...
Date: 2009-09-04 12:07 am (UTC)Anyway, the best way to honor anyone's memory is to live a good, full life. So do that.
That's my 2 Macca anyway.
~RtM~
P.S. Oh yeah...good luck with the research project and the whole boyfriend thing too. And try to let yourself be happy.
Re: hmmm...
Date: 2009-09-04 04:53 pm (UTC)And thank you!
(Also, how is/was Germany?)
Freaking Epic.
Date: 2009-09-04 06:24 pm (UTC)It had to have been the single coolest experience of my life...but that may have something to do with the fact that I've always wanted to visit Europe. It just has so much more HISTORY than the states do. Over here, something that's 50 years old is considered a freaking monument against time...Over there...I climbed to (near) the top of a cathedral that took longer to BUILD than we have been a country. It really puts things in perspective, especially since the cathedral has been completed for hundreds of years on TOP of it taking hundreds to build. And that was less than one day of the week we spent over there. One of these days I'll post the pictures we took (close to 200 of them) and then you can see too!
Anyway...Ciao!
~RtM~
no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 03:17 pm (UTC)As for the rest, that "spark and spontenaity" takes a swandive in every relationship after the neuro-toxins seep out. Do your best and remember that its all experience.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-04 04:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-08 06:12 am (UTC)In the case of someone I know, I noticed her creative endeavors plummeted when she got married, but I just assumed it was her job that she started around the same time that drained her. I guess it was both. In her case since he was apparently expecting her to not just put them first, but to put _him_ first. And he wasn't himself willing to put _them_ before _himself_ at all, And now they are divorced.
In that sort of case I think "us" before self is important, but it needs to be "us" not just the other person. But the self needs to definitely still be there.
And before being that committed, if you are loosing yourself, then that is a problem. But I think one that can potentially be overcome now that you know what it is.
Personally I think worrying about grad school is silly. Since you can guess but not know, it seems silly to kill the chance of something working just because you think it might not.
But...no relationship of mine has lasted more than 6 months, so I don't know that my thoughts on the subject are worth anything.